I dwell in possibility…
― Emily Dickinson
I am definitely a dreamer. There are so many things on my “would love to do” list that I couldn’t possibly do everything in this lifetime. Dreaming isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I’ve always believed that having lots of dreams and achieving one or two is better than no dreams at all, but sometimes I can get so caught up in thinking up grand plans and schemes to the exclusion of everything else, that I just end up feeling a nagging dissatisfaction with my actual life. Or I beat myself up for wasting time. I feel a sense of urgency that on a good day is motivating and helps me to make things happen, but on a bad day makes me feel like an entitled millennial who must have everything now now now…
As a kid I always felt like I was on a different path to everyone else I knew. My dreams just seemed different to everyone else. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to change the world. Not a lot has changed actually. I’ve surprised everyone by getting married and having two children and a nice house in Devon (that was never the dream). But that bit of me that aches to reach out and grab the world has never gone away. It’s a bit quieter at times, for a few days, even a few weeks I think yep I can do this. I’m putting down some roots and I feel content. Then it’s starts again… is this my life now? Is this it? I live in a lovely community in a gorgeous part of the world. It’s an amazing place to bring up children. I have a wonderful group of friends and a great family but I can’t stop the nagging thought of what else is out there. What adventures could we be having? If we just chose to do it. At the moment, probably because of the end of summer and my big girl starting school, this part of my brain is very loud. If we had the money I would happily buy a van right now and leave straight away for an epic road trip with the children and husband. Is that mad? Do other people dream of doing that? What stops them? What makes them go? I get so frightened that we will wake up in a few years time and say what have we done? We could have gone and we didn’t. We chose the conventional because we were scared.
I dream about travelling the world the most, but I also fantasise about other lives I could be living; jobs I could be doing, places I could be visiting, projects I could be starting. The possibilities seem endless, so much so that paralysis in the face of too much choice is a common state for me. So what is the answer? I don’t want to let go of all that possibility, there is a whole world out there that I want to explore and I absolutely want my children and husband to join me on my adventures. But for now, I need to be settled. I have a good life, a great one even, and I want to fully embrace and enjoy that. I need to find a way to nurture those dreams and keep them alive for when the time is right whilst finding more adventure in my everyday.
So for now, it’s daydreaming over a cup of tea whilst planning a family adventure to the beach, it’s walking the dog on the moor whilst pretending that I’m in New Zealand and it’s saving money and playing the long game. And finally, I definitely need to pay attention to how much time I’m spending on instagram and pinterest and keep it healthy.
“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”